Wow. You actually clicked on this link. We're honored.
Now that you're here, knock it off. Knock it off right now. The question isn't "Why?", it's "How?". How do I make a gravy donut?
Fellow lipid lover, all of your answers are here.
First things first. The gravy....'cause getting the right donuts are going to be a lot harder than you think. More on that in a second. You want brown gravy. Brown. Chicken, beef or pork; it doesn't matter, as long as it's brown. None of that white, gelatinous stuff they foist on you with biscuits or chicken fried steaks at diners and Rotten Robbie truck stops west of the Mississippi. Even Brad, a lifelong Californian, agrees. That's paste......and goes better with turnovers. Brown gets the crown.
Also, for some reason, canned gravy is better than homemade. No one knows why this is the only place in the known cuisine world where Chef Boy-ar-dee is king, but it is. Perhaps it's the fact that the donuts are also store-bought. Perhaps, though, it's a LOT more mystical than that....
Now, the donuts. Or, if you prefer...and you're an asshat, doughnuts. This is where you're going to be made or broken. Not the assembly...that'll just ruin your clothes. This could ruin your determination. Because what you need to make Gravy Donuts is a donut shell. That is the industry term, which is usually a cool thing to have in your holster when dealing with professionals. They figure you know what you're talking about, right? Right...except with donut people. They don't want you uttering The Secret Words. They play dumb on you. That must be it, 'cause Krispy Kreme employees are so nice. They can't be that retarded, can they?
KK: Hello, Krispy Kreme!
CD: I'd like to order 3 dozen jelly donut shells, please.
KK: Whaah?
CD: I'd like to order 3 doz-en do-nut she-llls, please.
KK: Do you want jelly or custard?
CD: Noooo. I want neither. I want them empty.
KK: Is this Al Qaeda?
A donut shell is this: an unfilled....stop looking at the next picture, will ya?!? It'll be there in a second. Yeesh!....an unfilled jelly donut. The kind with no hole, and nothing squirted inside. Empty. Get it? Sure you do.
We've made Gravy Donuts lots of times (really!) and last time we did, it still took us two weeks to get 3 dozen shells. They simply couldn't imagine whywhywhy anybody wouldn't want the delicious jelly or custard inside. Can't imagine why.
OK, stud or studette, wipe that hypersalivation off your chin and put your childlike anticipation of your first Gravy Donut back in the toybox. You're not quite ready yet. Yeah, yeah, I know. It's not that hard a recipe. Donut + gravy = Gravy Donut, no? Well, yes, but you forgot to consider one ver-r-r-r-y important thing:
How ya gonna get the gravy in the donut?
You're pretty smart. You got your PD stripes, yes? Oh....your dad's the GM. Hmmmmm. OK, anyway, you seem smart and you probably have this part already figured out. I'll bet you're smirking a little right now. Says you with the dismissive, offhand flip of the student pilot: "You sip the gravy and shoot it into that little jelly donut anus!"
Uhhh....no.
Maybe using a turkey baster has popped into your head and if it has, good guess!!! When we say "good guess!", though, we're patting you patronizingly on your bumpy head and remembering our rookie season on the Gravy Donut circuit.
Turkey basters just make a mess. Turkey basters are to making a great Gravy Donut what The Sisters in "The Shawshank Redemption" are to true romance. That donut's not coming out unscarred.
And there it is. You need a syringe. A really big one. Bigger than that. Bigger than the one that lives on in your memory from when your kid friends told you what kind of needle they'd use on you if you got rabies. Yeah, bigger than that. You basically need to find a syringe big enough to innoculate a baby rhino in utero.
For some reason, Smart & Final sells these. Perhaps there is a delicacy we're not aware of.
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Curious note to foodies: Turkey basters now come with a screw-on syringe needle attachment for the tip. What the HELL is that for? What injected marinade needs that delicate a touch?!? My guess is that it's just a sous-chef Supersoaker.
So, really, that's it. You can figure out the rest. It's totally messy and totally delicious. No, seriously, it's pretty damned messy, no matter how good you get at it. You'll figure out your favorite gravy. Mine's chicken; Brad is partial to the beef. There's only one extra thing and it's the secret to the True Gravy Donut. You can make them anywhere, sure, in your kitchen, at the bank, at your wedding recption or while waiting for the surgeon to finish your triple-bypass. But the place to make them where they taste the best is in a soundproof room stuffed with about $350,000 worth of radio equipment. Mmmmmmm.......We love the smell of insane engineer in the morning!!
Finally, whether you're a pushover or a real stubborn mule that no one can tell what to do, depart on your Gray Donut quest with this last warning from those who have gone before you, because you're going to be surprised at how much you love them:
Don't eat more than 3.
No matter what.
Not even if you're high.
Bon appetit !!
Click to enlarge
For copies of this delicious recipe, email chrisdaniel@earthlink.net.
